First, many families have to wait an excruciatingly long period of time (often 9 to 12 months) just to get their child evaluated at Kansas City’s two primary clinics (Children’s Mercy and KU Med Center). Then, after an evaluation is complete and families are given a diagnosis, many families feel lost, confused, and clueless as how to help their child. The length of the evaluation and diagnosis process always saddened and frustrated me, because I knew families shouldn’t have to wait so long.

RECOGNIZING THE NEED…

After working in Vermont and Georgia, I moved back to my hometown of Kansas City in 2008 to create a practice solely devoted to providing autism evaluations. Within the first year, it was clear how similar and heartbreaking the families’ stories were. I started to dream about building a company that fully supported families from the very beginning, in the manner they deserved. I wanted to guide them through every step, while providing them with warmth, knowledge, and hope.

I did this as best I could as a solo-practitioner for those first few years, and even closed my brick and mortar office to begin meeting families in their homes. In time, however, I realized I needed a complete team. My goal was to assemble a team of professionals who could deliver high-quality, innovative, child-first services to families in their homes. In January of 2013, I committed to making it my priority to create the full company I‘ve been dreaming about. I call it Autism From The Start.

LOOKING FORWARD

I am aiming to be a resource for children and families from start to finish – well, at least from start to kindergarten. So, in addition to the diagnostic evaluations, I want to partner with physicians to screen children early and continue monitoring them, especially those children most at risk of autism, including the younger siblings of those on the spectrum.

Another arm of the company is to develop resources for parents, grandparents, and siblings. I am developing a parent coaching program designed to teach parents the skills needed to connect with their kids and to help their children thrive developmentally.. I also want grandparents to be included in coaching. Finally, I want to develop a program that will explain autism to siblings and teach them what they can do to help.

I stand there staring at them and remember what they looked like when they were first born.  I see beyond her long hair, beyond his maturing face, beyond the long lanky bodies, and I catch a glimpse of my babies.  The eyes are always the same.  I see my daughter’s sleeping eyes and they take me back to the day she was born and snuggled in my arms all night long.  I see those same baby eyes every day I stop to look at her sleeping nine years later.

I smell my son, hoping to breathe in one last baby smell.  I don’t get it anymore like I did for so many years, but I keep breathing him in because one day I know I won’t get to.  Sometimes I look at his hands.  They still resemble his younger version.  But every day I see him growing more independent, into more of a young man, and I’m so very proud, but it also takes my breath away, as I realize the days with my snuggly baby, my joyful toddler, and my curious preschooler are forever gone.

I know I’ve heard it so many times before, that having kids is like wearing your heart outside your body, but I never, never, never anticipated the bittersweet pain involved in it.  It’s a loving pain full of happiness and devotion.  But the pain is real for me and it comes again and again.  It emerges from the awareness that this time is temporary and fleeting.

I smell my son today hoping to smell yesterday.  I look at my daughter today hoping tomorrow doesn’t take her.  I know my kids will grow.  I love that my kids will grow.  I want them to be happy and grow….  But if I’m honest, what I want even more deeply is to always have them with me at home to love, to hug, to talk, to play, to share, and to simply experience…. And that will change.

Growing pains hurt.

Warmly,

Dr. Michelle

My heart breaks for the victims, survivors, and their families of the recent shooting in Denver.  While most of us are not directly linked to the tragedy, when we learn about it, hear about it, and imagine it, this tragedy impacts us in a visceral way nonetheless.

If you have a child who has been exposed to this story through the news, through your conversations, through chats with friends, or through social media, here are some tips for you to use to help them cope with this distressing experience and any other trauma in general.

Children React Differently.

The child’s age, stage of development, personality, and how their parents and significant others are impacted by a trauma, all affect a child’s response to a frightening experience.  Trauma reactions include withdrawal, preoccupation with the event, anxiety, and physical symptoms.

Be open to a delayed reaction as well.  Some children appear to cope well initially, but can have reactions to the stress days, weeks, or even months later.

Put it Out There and Talk.  Bringing the topic out into the open will help.

• Reassure your child that the event is over and they are safe (if this is in fact, true).
• Listen to your child and validate his or her feelings–don’t discount their feelings by telling them they don’t need to be scared–listen.
• Encourage your child to talk to you and let them know you want to hear about how they are feeling and what they are thinking and if they have questions.
• Tell your child about what happened in a way that is appropriate for their level of understanding without going into gruesome or scary details.  Use language that they understand and keep the information concrete, rather than abstract.  If you do not tell them accurate information, children will fill in the blanks with their imagination which can be far scarier than the facts.
• Check with your child to make sure he or she understands and clear up any faulty thinking.  For example, some children think they were the cause of a tragedy because of something bad they did.
• Talk about the event as a family and allow everyone to have a chance to share and ask questions.  This will help reduce or avoid isolation and bring your family together feeling supported, validated, and heard.
• Talk to you child about others’ reactions and let them know that it is okay and normal for the many different reactions–sadness and sobbing, anger and yelling, quiet and withdrawn.  These feelings are all okay and will get better in time.

Your Reaction Really Matters.  Your reactions, feelings, and behavior surrounding a traumatic event will have a marked impact on how your child will cope and recover.

• Children will look to you to make sense of a crisis and to learn how to cope.
• Tune in to your child’s fears with comfort, understanding, and support.  Realize that your child may not react or feel the same way you do.
• If you are having a difficult time with your own feelings and reactions, seek support for yourself–friends, family, or professional counseling.
• Talk about your feelings and reactions in an appropriate way and explain that your feelings of upset, sadness, or anger are normal and that they will get better.
• Tune into your child’s feelings and fears and give your child extra attention, especially at bedtime and other times you will be separated.
• Give your child a sense of control over their life and allow them to make decisions and choices as much as possible.  This can be as simple as what to eat.

Family Routines are Important.

• Keep your regular routine and schedule as much as possible.  This predictability and structure is reassuring for a child.
• Maintain the family roles and don’t expect children to do the job of a parent.  If a parent is having a difficult time, do not have the child take on additional responsibilities such as chores or meeting the emotional needs of the parent.
• Don’t introduce changes such as new routines for a time.
• Reassure your child that things will get back to normal and work toward getting the routine back as quickly as you can.
• Allow your child plenty of time to play, to engage in favored activities, and to hang out with friends.  Laughter and fun can help all family members.

Remember, children and adults recover from traumatic experiences given time and support.  How you handle the crisis and how you react to your child’s feelings and behavior will have an enormous impact on their ability to cope.  If you are not coping well with a tragedy or trauma yourself, seek professional support.  Our counselor’s are available for free phone consultations and private meetings to help parents and children through this difficult time.

Respectfully,

Dr. Michelle

So, I started early with whatever tools I thought best for achieving this goal—positive reinforcement, praise, time outs, loss of toys, natural consequences, etc.—all strategies I learned in graduate school and those which were being taught at the time from the old-school “behavioral” approaches and the new-school “cognitive-behavioral” strategies.  Despite being a pediatric psychologist with the aforementioned tool-box, there were many times when I was simply a Mom, trying her best, and still doing it all wrong–I yelled, I was impatient, I was inconsistent, etc.

But, I kept trying and when I was wrong I said I was sorry.  In addition, I found that I began adding my own twist to the ready-made approaches and inserted teaching my children about things that went beyond just the behaviors themselves—the emotions, the values, the idea of problem solving, and the importance of doing the right thing because it feels good and…it’s the right thing to do.  These all became the topics of discussion surrounding discipline rather than simply focusing on good and bad behavior or rewards and punishments.  When I focused on these deeper issues, their behavior improved and they in fact, grew to be more self-disciplined.

Now that my children are 7 and 8 years old, I can observe firsthand…that they really are well-behaved, self-controlled, loving, and caring children.  I don’t give myself the credit, I give them the credit and I give credit to providing them the tools to grow into such amazing young people.

Best,

Dr. Michelle